Last night was the most restless night I've ever had in my life. I didn't sleep a wink the whole night. I've been a case of a severely incorrectly put implant, followed by infections in my teeth and sinus for the last 4 years. Now they say its an infection in the bone and the dentist has punctured my gums at way too many places leaving me to nurse a severely swollen cheek.
I don't really like to talk about it because its too much for my own mind to handle really....but yesterday night I felt the pain moving rapidly from my swollen upper teeth region to the jaws towards my ears and down my neck and up my head and face. My ear, neck and head were becoming numb and I had this feeling of dread and despair set into my heart. I experienced immense fear within me, immense lack of faith and just a huge huge feeling of stress, strain and immeasurable fear within me. All the light I had been experiencing within myself, the settling feeling within myself that I was experiencing was overpowered by the immense fear I began to feel. My mind started to race beyond my grasp with all kind of ideas - could it be the infection travelling into the brain and heart, am I going to die..........the fear of death lunged over me like a dark dreary shadow that none of my beautiful poetic thoughts or the love that I believed I had brought into my heart could take away.
I sat to meditate in the wee hours of the night............just silent, just still.......there were a few moments I allowed myself to be, but the tension within me, the fear in my mind were too overpowering, too stressing.......made me too restless to sit. I was scared..........scared of my death..........scared of my death to such an extent that all faith, all love, all compassion, all beauty died. All the beauty that I had begun to see life with, that I believed I had finally found my path towards devotion just cracked and fell on the floor....I felt a huge, bludgenous hole in my devotion, a huge hole in my trust, in my faith.
It scared me.............it scared me at how alone I was, at how miserably scared I was..............at how my faith was so shallow, so hollow that fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of death immediately made me so vulnerable to myself. It scared me that even those which I held in the highest of reverence, I could not feel their grace because of a darkness enveloping me. All the feelings within me of love and devotion just seemed to evaporated into thin air. I felt like an utter utter fool........................so much talk with the heart, of the heart, of love, of so much yearning and longing...........yet when death came face to face with me in the night............I was alone.....................I was miserably alone.......................
Today I feel miserably lost.............all this love, all this beauty that I was feeling..................what was it? Was it so fickle that when the moment came they just evaporated?
The only and only thing I experienced during this whole period was a certain stability on a level different from the mind. Through the fear, through the sitting up all night, through the pain, through the uncertainity.........something was there which kept me stable compared to ever before...........it was almost as though there was a distance, an every so slight distance, a space of fresh air between the despair, the dread and that something within me.
All this love and devotion seems like such a farce to me right now.....................that I will be in such love that i would be willing to happily die. That is not a truth for me.........the only truth for me I realize right now is that I must work to create that energy around me in such a way that what is happening does not touch me...............the fear, the stress, the tension may be there but I remain untouched................I experienced a small aspect of that today.................but it was not some huge faith in anyone that kept me stable as I always thought in my mind............during the fear if I told my mind to think of that which I hold in reverence, even that did not help at all....................it was the energy around that I experienced taking me through..........it was a surrender to the energy that gave me those moments of peace within..............There was no love in it......simply an intensity......................devoid of anyone or anything..........

The mind is more unsettled than ever before....for its ideas of devotion now make no sense at all. A restlessness and yet a feeling of being more straight enters.....I realize this mind will never know........