It is for the first time in my life, i feel this strange sort of ease in what im doing. Like i dont need to prove myself to anybody, nor do i need to be involved in welfare of any kind, nor do i need to become this or that by doing it, nor do i need to prove to myself how creative and talented i am - some of the neurosis that goes on. It is the first time I feel completely disidentified from what I am doing, yet I do it with the simple reason that it gives me peace and I feel like I am always enveloped by his grace, yet I dont have to do it either, for it is not me. Dance has given me this.

I have been with dance for almost 5 months now. 5 months that have probably been one of such intensity, that we say it has been 2 years. Out of these 5 months, 2 of them were more or less a mind created hell for me. Actually, the story in short went that after 3 months of being with my dance teacher, she had a dance tour going abroad. It was a very prestigious dance tour and she asked me to be a part of it. I was elated, I felt on top of the world, I felt this was my chance to become a real dancer. Somewhere I knew it didn't matter peanuts whether i went or not, but somewhere else i could see my senses, my ego inflating faster than i could control them. Within a few weeks of this, there were certain problems, certain issues that creeped up on the policy front...being a government agency there were certain requirements that I couldn't meet due to reasons beyond my control.........and just like it had come, this opportunity was snatched away from me.

I remember feeling like nothing had changed, I was just back to square one...........but my mind had gone on a ride of its own. Suddenly, i was left aimless, jobless...suddenly there was no purpose that otherwise I had been working towards. 4 months that were meant to be crunch preparation towards me becoming a dancer, were gone just like that. I was so devastated. My teacher felt my pain, and hoped that even though i would not be going, I would be fully involved with the rehersals, helping her with costumes, props and participating in whatever way i could. I agreed because there was such a huge urge in me to dance, that I had to put everything aside to learn what i loved.

Preparation started, a replacement for me came in, rehersals began.............and my mind started talking, or rather screaming. I couldn't take being just another person on the side...I was supposed to be special, different, important! "Why was I doing this? What would i get out of this? Why do i keep torturing myself like this? Everyone except me is going to get something from this. I'm getting such less attention from my teacher because now she doesnt care about how i dance, only the dancers are important." These were some of the thoughts in my head. It was literally like forcing myself to get up and reach there, just because something kept pulling me. I was miserable. Absolutely aimless. And about 2 months into this.........i broke. I couldnt take it anymore. I felt insulted, pathetic, unimportant and like a nobody. I remember coming home and bawling. As I was bawling, suddenly I was aware that I was watching myself bawling and had no idea why the hell I was crying. But I cried and cried till every aspect of my face was swollen. I think I cried like this for about three whole days. And most of the time I was totally unaware why I was even crying. But I knew something huge had broken within me....that constant sense of being different and special....which is the fire that sustains our ego.

And then almost like the fresh fragrance of spring appears after the ghastly winter........something happened. It didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter what I was doing. It simply didnt make a difference. For the first time I felt I was starting to become straight with myself. I was telling myself the truth. The two years that i had been searching and searching for what I wanted to do, what i was good at, was me trying to seek and find an identity for myself. I wanted to do what i was good at, so that my true worth could be realized. I wanted to become something, make it maybe. But suddenly i realized, it didnt matter....that is not what made me who i truly and really am. I started realizing how stuck i had even been about the idea of teaching. I knew i was good with children, but i had become compulsively attached to the idea of what a wonderful teacher i would make. Or about becoming a writer, poet or dancer.......so that i could share my creative thoughts with people. But it was the first time i had the experiential realization that what i did made no difference at all.

And thats when dancing became pure joy for me. It was beautiful for me to just watch the dancers preparing, to just simply be in the very presence of dance. I was no more tortured by thoughts of not getting the attention i deserved as a dancer. In fact, I found my need to become that dancer was gone. I was now doing it because it was beautiful and I enjoyed it immensely...nothing else. But it became truly beautiful because now its compulsiveness had died. It is the first time in my life i have really experienced the joy of just being.