I've hit a wall within myself. I feel like a big emotionless blob right now. I'm realizing more and more clearly how I've shut myself off on layers and levels I was not even concious of earlier. I've been hurt so much and so deep, that I've lost touch with my own self, my own emotions. I have hid all my feelings and emotions so deep within myself, with so many ideas of my own coated on top of them that as I reach that unconcious depth, I get scared of the enormous baggage that lies untouched for lifetimes below.
I watch something so heart renderingly sad on tv, and can feel that heart beat go fast and feel tears somewhere there wanting to be released inside. But I feel like a clogged pipe. I cant feel, I am not letting myself feel and I am right now struggling with breaking out of it. I have lost the urge to talk to anyone about these things even. Earlier I would call a friend and just talk about these ups and downs, but now I've realized so clearly that it is all within us to figure out, all within us to search and get in touch with. I'm feeling claustrophobic..........I feel like giving up so bad today...........I feel stuck in my own making, my own creation...........I've weaved a web myself, and I'm the one trapped in it now.........
1 comment:
Shivs, it almost looks like You wrote this for me!
"...but now I've realized so clearly that it is all within us to figure out, all within us to search and get in touch with..": Empathy is all that i can offer.
Another meditator was trying to talk me out of 'my state' one day and i confessed to her that i just don't have the strength to look at the mess that i am anymore. It is such an enormously humbling experience. Sometimes i feel i just want to cry over someone's shoulder and wallow in my hopelessness. Don't know what to say really while i am grappling with whats happening within me.
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