I'm in a strange fix today. One side of me is feeling miserable......I feel this unbearable sense of anguish inside me, as though I've lost myself so completely, that if I try to think of what all is happening, of what I'm doing, of where or where not I'm moving, I'll probably go insane...for at this point so much has become beyond my own control. On the other hand, I feel this sense of peace, this sense of surrender to the moment, to the now, that I had never experienced in my life before. It seemed like I was always in a hurry to get somewhere, to do something, to be someone. It is the first time I have had those few moments of completely being here and accepting life as it is. In those moments I have realized that is what I search for, and that is what each one of us searches for. Yet this insane mind doesn't stay in control. The next moment I am engulfed with a thousand fears, a thousand what if's, a thousand thoughts and plans that lead to anxiety and stress on a level I probably am not even aware of most of the time.
Yesterday, someone I consider very very dear to me made a few comments of distrust towards me, which was totally uncalled for. I reacted more strongly than I thought I would at the injustice of such words. After everything was said and done I wondered why I felt so crushed, so broken. Why after so much in my life, I still somewhere am constantly looking at myself for approval through the eyes of those I value. Why is it that few words of lack of trust in me made me so angry that I was ready to throw this person out of my life forever. I was left thinking what was it that made me so upset. Somewhere I am still struggling with it, for it is hard for me to bare this person, to be around this person. Why is it that we struggle so much with others opinions about us, especially those we value? I want a way out........I want to love myself irrespective of all else........I am struggling with acceptance, acceptance of everything just the way it is.