Random blurting...........

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting a bit dumber day by day when I'm at home. See its been like this for almost more than an year now, that my life has been rather nomadic.......for people who like life to flow in a certain way, who expect a certain pattern out of life, they've pretty much given up on me. For the new people I meet, when they ask me the standard question..."So what do you do?" I really have no idea what to answer. I remember reading a book, or watching a movie, I cant remember which one it was, in which the guy makes up different occupations to see the expressions on the other person's face. I'm soon planning to do just that. I mean its better than getting into what I do. Because to explain what I do in a way that makes sense, I kind of have to explain my life history atleast partially in the past one and a half years, and when i start to go back into the past to build momentum for the now of what I'm doing..........I usually find the person whose listening in a bit of a daze. At the end I usually get a half awake - "Oh okay, thats good!" . But there are then the others who want to find out more and more and more..............now its fun to answer alot of their questions, but then soon I find that my own life in the past year is making little sense to me at some point, so it just starts sounding really pretensious and a big farce. So on account of all this, I'm planning to think of a profession that I've always thought as really cool and make it up depending on the person. For example, if I meet a bank accountant whose really bored with his job, then maybe I can say something really fancy like I was in the army for a short time, but now..... Or if I meet some top shot executive of a company, who has very little time to talk and just asks a rather polite - so what do you do? I could say.......I'm a professor in philosophy and see where that goes. Or if I meet a rock climber I could say I work for an IT firm and am really bored with life staring at the computer the whole day. I would basically want to be something really unrelated to the other person's job, and take on the opposite attitude that the other person has towards his or her job and start a conversation. I think it'd be rather fun to see how that person views the profession I've taken up and also get into some rather interesting arguments about life and priorities and choices. I'm not very good with arguments though.........sometimes I just feel things and can't find the right words to express them. Now in a debate where its all about logically reasoning your point with the opposing view point........sometimes I really don't do that well. I mean if in the course of a firey debate on an issue if you say something like...........'I can't tell you why, but I just feel this is true.' I'm sure they'd just plain laugh or say I'm crazy, and the worst part would be that then they'd become even firmer that their view point was correct since I didn't have an argument. So i usually avoid these debates. I'm sure if I really wanted to, and read up on the topic I was supposed to argue on I would be able to pull off a pretty good defense.........but then, I dont really see the point of it.

I believe experiences change points of view, not a verbal volley of words with someone. I mean I might have a really good reason why what i'm saying is true.........and the other person might throw their hands up for they accept defeat........but do they still really truly agree now with what I say, have I managed to change their opinion? I don't know....

Anyways.........getting back to me feeling dumber day by day when I'm at home. I think this entire transient period of working on all varied types of projects, travelling to different places, being exposed to alot of new experiences, people........has been quite a bit for my mind to take. I don't really conciously try to think back on things too much, cause theres no point reminissing , but rather taking what you can from your experiences and moving on. But sometimes I find I need to slow down and stop, and when I stop I find alot of mental and emotional catching up to do, which I'm not even sure if there is any need for, but still I sometimes find myself needing to do it for my "mind's" satisfaction. And because I get that time when I come home, I find myself in alot less "action mode" and more "thinking mode" when I'm at home. And I just sometimes feel like I'm not really engaged in too many productive endeavours when I'm at home, but rather busy making sense of life.........of all the changes I've experienced in the past almost two years now. And because its boggling to my mind, so I become listless.......and find it hard to do anything. And with that I find my body becomes stiffer and definately I feel dumber, like my brain cells are dying every second....
I'm leaving in a few days for a really big experience, an assignment I have taken up for an year. I feel happy I got to unwind at home for sometime before i set forth. In fact, part of me enjoyed this period, even though it was a switch to "thinking mode". Because during this time I got to be alittle away from things, got to go into my cacoon, got to be in a comfy cozy environment almost preparing myself mentally, physically and emotionally for the new journey. But I slowly hope this need of mine to cacoon at home will start becoming minimal..........maybe this new experience which will bring stability for one year, something I have not seen in a long time......maybe this new experience will be what I need to reduce my cacoon time at home. Or maybe the cacoon is necessary for the metamorphosis into a butterfly.......?