An overwhelming feeling....

So many changes, so many decisions, commitments.... Its a lot for me to take. I’m finding it hard to even breathe right now. There is still an inexplicable calm somewhere within me, but there is a definite unrest that resides along side of it. I just feel like being alone, feel like going into a shell, feel like going back into my mothers womb…….it’s scary to be outside, scary to face the world, and right now I’m finding it harder than ever. In fact I want to just cozy up with my head on my mothers shoulder and cry………cry harder than I’ve ever cried before……….cry because I’m feeling insecure, I’m feeling defeated of a lot of things that I wanted but have had to give up, feeling scared of treading alone on a path which I have no idea will take me where, cry because neither death nor life is giving me peace, cry because I’m feeling stuck……..feeling stuck in a body that makes me think, feel stuck in a mind that makes me see my compulsions, feeling stuck in my compulsive behaviour which I can’t let go of that easily, feel stuck not knowing, feel stuck not having any control over where my life will take me.

I don’t want to be that strong person any more, I don’t want to have a fighters spirit anymore……..I am angry right now……angry at myself, at the universe for not letting me live a life where I could just go to work at the 'normal' 9-5 job, come home, be in the comfort of my home with family, friends. Why do I have to be this strong person, who wants to break. Why can’t I just be happy with a normal lifestyle? Im feeling tired today. Heck, I don’t want to be thinking anymore, I don’t want to be reflecting, I don’t want to understand myself any better, I don’t want to be sensitive and kind and gentle………I don’t wanna strive for the highest……..I just want to be very very mediocre. Yes…….that’s what I want to be……I want to remain just as mediocre as I am. I don’t have that energy to go out, I don’t have the energy to move to the callings of my heart……it’s taking too much of me, it isn’t satisfied with anything but my life.

I don’t want to miss anybody….I want everyone I love near me. I don’t want to have to deal with the goodbyes anymore…….I’m tired of being strong in the face of lonliness. I don’t want to have to resist temptations anymore……..i wanna fall for my temptations, I want to be weak and a coward today……….I cant take strength anymore…….i cant.
I think I should just sleep……..maybe that will recharge my batteries………..maybe tomorrow will be different.