The past two days have been hard...full stop.
It's like every crutch you hold on to, to ensure that ego of yours is intact has come falling apart. Crutches - these notions and ideas that you have about yourself. Whether its - i'm so smart, i'm this and i'm that...........when none of that remains with you, you fall apart. Because, then you remain as a nobody. Yesterday i was overwhelmed by this feeling of no self confidence. I had probably not experienced that kind of feeling since my teenage, pimple strucked years. But being faced with that feeling of low self esteem, of becoming very concious about one self, of not feeling very good about oneself....when that came tumbling back, I broke. I broke and cried and sobbed like I havent in years.........and then I gave up, I threw my hands up and decided I was going to pack my bags and leave, leave for a life that was more managable, more in line with what my mind wanted. But what would i be going back to.......layering myself up with all those falsities once again!
As low as i was feeling, with those layers gone and feeling completely exposed and vulnerable.......the lightness inside me cannot be defined through any words. We had day long workshops the past two days........ususally during such workshops I would find myself asking questions, slicing down the presentation, debating and arguing with the presenter..........but today I found that worthless..........today I really felt that words have very little value.......our ideas and beliefs about things hold very little importance. What holds importance is what you do, just doing what is needed..........that's all. Making yourself like elastic........even if someone comes to punch you in the face, there is no resistance........so you just stretch as far as the person stretches you and then immediately come back to equilibrium......