"I dont know"

I have deemed myself ignorant for now. I can't understand things anymore. In a way its a very liberating feeling.....feel so much freer from the constant binds to know everything, to understand everything, from the constant struggle of holding on and being able to admit freely....that yes, I don't know, its a fact that I don't know. What don't I know......I don't know what all this is? I dont know where we are coming from, where we are going, I don't know anything about anything really.......I have ideas about things, and maybe even a few beliefs, but no, I don't "know". In it there's this freshness, like I'm living each moment like a child, looking at things afresh.
Yet, sometimes fear crops in. Fear of not knowing, fear of letting that vulnerable part of me out that knows she does not know, fear of being trampled upon by others, fear of not being good enough, fear of not being that person I always thought of myself to be, fear of letting myself unfold into nothing.
It makes me realize why we have wrapped ourselves with this cover of who we are. For when we admit that we do not know, we become transparent to both ourselves and others. We are allowing others to see our flaws, our weaknesses, allowing people access into those holes that haven't been filled, we are letting people feel better about themselves through our own short comings. We don't generally like that......for we like compliments, we like people seeing our strengths, we like admirations and accolades, so that we feel good about our own selves. Despite every reflection into oneself, all attempts to make oneself transparent, negative comments still hurt somewhere.....and in that hurt we again decide to close ourselves, for we feel that we are not understood, we feel our innocence is being taken for granted, we feel alone in our own knowledge of who we are, we become exclusive in the people we let in, in the people we really let know who we are. But this exclusivity is only an outpouring of fear and hurt..........and in this exclusivity, we are excluding a part of existance from ourselves..........we are deeming them unfit for involvement............a heavy price to pay in the end.
I strive to completely accept that I do not know.........for this feeling comes and goes I find........sometimes I find myself struggling for a grip, as though I am falling and need to hold onto something.........in those moments I hold on to those petty ideas I have........but I know it is only when I allow myself to fall, freely fall..........that I will truly know.