You see, things for me are slightly "different" (I can't come up with any better word) right now. I'm not working in a software company, earning some good dough as most of my friends I graduated with are, I'm not studying or doing a masters as some have begun, I'm not writing a book that I've always dreamt of, I'm not designing some world changing technology....I guess for now I'm just being. I know it sounds rather strange - "just being", but if you look at it its really what I'm doing right now. My whole life since I probably can remember I was in a race....a race to come first, to be the best, to always be looked up towards, to do things I hated but do them so that others could congratulate me on my accomplishments! It's like my whole life I was running, racing to reach somewhere that probably didn't even exist. And then about an year and a half ago....I just stopped. This feeling of stopping cause i couldnt take it anymore had come in me before that, but at that time it's like my life came to a standstill. Everything I knew, everything I was so compulsively attached to started falling apart infront of my eyes. I lost my job, my friends started moving away, my sister who I had come to depend on moved out of town, and there I was left alone...completely and totally alone. There were times where I would spend time on my own for even 5 or 6 days at a stretch...no one to hang out with, no one to even talk to! I felt like someone had put me face to face with myself in a small white square room and locked the door behind them. There were days I couldn't take it, I had my whole life surrounded myself with people...and I started realizing why...because the nonsense that comes up on facing oneself was too difficult to face on ones own. But as I faced myself more and more, a strength, a peace filled me up like I had never known before!
Those few months I started really becoming aware of how lost I had become, how I had never really gotten in touch with myself before, never really taken the time to find my heart. Before that I had never really paused, never really taken a deep breath and let the oxygen fill my lungs, before that I was part of a race. That day when I rejected a job that was put in my lap by something beyond my understanding, with a reason for rejection that even I couldn't totally understand - "My heart tells me this is not for me". That day when everyone except my parents told me how foolish I was being, that was the day I took myself out of the race.
It was probably the hardest thing to do, but also the one step that changed my understanding of life forever....for out of the race, I had put myself on a roller coaster ride which I call "life"! I was finally alive, I was finally burning with that passion of being myself, of finding the me that I so longed for. I had finally put myself on a journey where each moment was an adventure, each moment was exciting. Where you had no idea what a month from then would look like, but the "now", the moment had become so estatic that to live in it was all that mattered. Because all of a sudden I was in a world where possibilities flew all around, where your heartbeat was all that you needed to survive, where people lived who had fallen down from heaven itself it seemed, it was a world I never ever never knew existed.
And as I sit here, I know this is just a pause in my life before another beginning......for pauses are essential I have realized to prepare yourself for the next ride on the roller coaster called life! :)
A poem I wrote some time ago....
Can I tell you a story?
Can I tell you a story? If you read along, it may be the story of someone you know,
It’s about a little girl, tucked in her dreams, about a spirit that was set a glow.
This little girl was starry eyed, only good her heart could see,
She longed for love, lived life with hope, but happy she could not be.
Unsure of her path, her beginning and her end, lost in her world she would roam,
Each person seen with expectant eyes, she was looking to find home.
A hand held out, she eagerly grasped, for in them the infinite love she may find,
But as the days and months passed by she realized not love, it was a futile bind.
The misery of not being able to find what she looked for, haunted her every day,
How to find that which she did not know she searched for, only troubles came her way.
So many heads rested on her shoulder, yet from none a shoulder could she find,
She was tired, broken, lost, wanted to break free from the daily grind.
When all was lost, that’s when the crossroad of life she came upon,
One was travelled, its path well known, all had been seen – its dusk, its dawn.
The other path – the lesser travelled, was dark and unknown,
All said the former was the way to go, but in her heart a longing for the other path had grown.
In agony of what to do, for the first time, on the way of the heart she set foot,
As she began walking, thorns pricked her feet; she wanted to turn back so desperately but stayed put.
The thorns gave way to stones ahead, and on many she stumbled and fell,
With no one around to hold her hand, she learnt to get up on her own and dwell.
The darkness that lay ahead on the path, haunted her dreams at night,
A struggle had begun between her heart and mind - an in definitive fight.
The mind unsure of any future ahead, wanted to give up, wanted to lay dead,
But some force inside of her was so very strong it kept pushing her to go ahead.
With the uncertainty of life holding hands, for the first time she began to walk,
Holding its hand gave her a determined confidence, no worry of a comment or mock.
That is when she came upon the first flower on this dark, dreary road,
As the fragrance filled her soul so sweet, for the first time she felt the lightening of a load.
Taking the fragrance in her heart, she walked with more persistence than before,
She learnt to read the signs on the path, and when to knock for aid on a door.
More and more colours of flowers came on her way, darkness had given way to gentle light,
Birds had begun to chirp on green trees, children could be seen playing or running behind a kite.
As she walked, a smile touched her lips, the joy of not knowing she had felt,
She felt herself kiss the path so soft, her heart to the unknown knelt.
That is when suddenly the rays of the sun blinded her eyes,
She had stumbled upon a valley of flowers topped with beautiful blue skies.
Little children were running merrily around, all colours of birds flying in the sky,
She had felt the bliss of intoxication, but this was a natural high!
For the first time she let loose and danced, till her body fell to the ground,
But even as she lay on the velvet grass, she knew ecstasy had been found.
She got up, looked around and knew that she had found love; she had finally come home,
In this beautiful feeling, she fell asleep on ground as soft as foam.
As she awoke in the morning, back on the path she found herself lay,
The valley, the children, the birds had disappeared, leaving the warm sun to brighten the day.
That is when she realized that her search had only now begun,
As what she seeked had become clear, lost no more did she need to run.
She had become aware that the purpose of her life was to help others find this way,
To let them know that they carry the choice of how they want to live each passing day.
Can I tell you a story? If you read along, it may be the story of someone you know,
It’s about a little girl, tucked in her dreams, about a spirit that was set a glow.
This little girl was starry eyed, only good her heart could see,
She longed for love, lived life with hope, but happy she could not be.
Unsure of her path, her beginning and her end, lost in her world she would roam,
Each person seen with expectant eyes, she was looking to find home.
A hand held out, she eagerly grasped, for in them the infinite love she may find,
But as the days and months passed by she realized not love, it was a futile bind.
The misery of not being able to find what she looked for, haunted her every day,
How to find that which she did not know she searched for, only troubles came her way.
So many heads rested on her shoulder, yet from none a shoulder could she find,
She was tired, broken, lost, wanted to break free from the daily grind.
When all was lost, that’s when the crossroad of life she came upon,
One was travelled, its path well known, all had been seen – its dusk, its dawn.
The other path – the lesser travelled, was dark and unknown,
All said the former was the way to go, but in her heart a longing for the other path had grown.
In agony of what to do, for the first time, on the way of the heart she set foot,
As she began walking, thorns pricked her feet; she wanted to turn back so desperately but stayed put.
The thorns gave way to stones ahead, and on many she stumbled and fell,
With no one around to hold her hand, she learnt to get up on her own and dwell.
The darkness that lay ahead on the path, haunted her dreams at night,
A struggle had begun between her heart and mind - an in definitive fight.
The mind unsure of any future ahead, wanted to give up, wanted to lay dead,
But some force inside of her was so very strong it kept pushing her to go ahead.
With the uncertainty of life holding hands, for the first time she began to walk,
Holding its hand gave her a determined confidence, no worry of a comment or mock.
That is when she came upon the first flower on this dark, dreary road,
As the fragrance filled her soul so sweet, for the first time she felt the lightening of a load.
Taking the fragrance in her heart, she walked with more persistence than before,
She learnt to read the signs on the path, and when to knock for aid on a door.
More and more colours of flowers came on her way, darkness had given way to gentle light,
Birds had begun to chirp on green trees, children could be seen playing or running behind a kite.
As she walked, a smile touched her lips, the joy of not knowing she had felt,
She felt herself kiss the path so soft, her heart to the unknown knelt.
That is when suddenly the rays of the sun blinded her eyes,
She had stumbled upon a valley of flowers topped with beautiful blue skies.
Little children were running merrily around, all colours of birds flying in the sky,
She had felt the bliss of intoxication, but this was a natural high!
For the first time she let loose and danced, till her body fell to the ground,
But even as she lay on the velvet grass, she knew ecstasy had been found.
She got up, looked around and knew that she had found love; she had finally come home,
In this beautiful feeling, she fell asleep on ground as soft as foam.
As she awoke in the morning, back on the path she found herself lay,
The valley, the children, the birds had disappeared, leaving the warm sun to brighten the day.
That is when she realized that her search had only now begun,
As what she seeked had become clear, lost no more did she need to run.
She had become aware that the purpose of her life was to help others find this way,
To let them know that they carry the choice of how they want to live each passing day.
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