Well...I sit here right now...kind of confused, kind of intrigued by this whole blogging technology! Lots of things are going through my head...others are going to be reading my life, how might they react, what kind of judgements might they make......and then i wonder what a blog is all about. I've actually done a degree in software...and so people expect me to be a computer junkie most of the times, but if you ask me its more like a telephone for me.....a communication device with the outside world, with my family and with my friends! So I haven't really read many people's blogs, but on getting a push from a friend decided it might not be such a bad idea. So here I am.....wanting to become more and more vulnerable, more and more transparent, more and more open and involving as I share some of my inner most thoughts and feelings.
Infact going back to what i said earlier....judgements....why is it that we worry so much what other people think of us?? It's like this constant dialogue that keeps going on in this head of ours....why does he think so about me? In response we find ourselves thinking...so what if someone thinks that way, it doesnt matter, you know the reality, you know what you are. One part of us knows other peoples judgements hold no value, it is us who knows the truth, yet it effects us somewhere. Could it be because we are in search of ourselves, we want to so desperately know what "this" is....and somewhere we intellectually know that "this" is perfect. Yet, with no understanding of it we unconciously respond to other people's judgements of what "this" is. We may not take everyone as seriously, but we usually tend to take two peoples judgements seriously...one who don't know us at all, and the other who know us too well. Maybe its because the first type are completely objective in their view, and the second type because they are completely subjective!
If we look at it, its the fear of judgements that makes us do alot of things in our life we may have never wanted to. The need to please others grows from the need to keep away negative judgements about us. As a child, its the fear of peer and family judgements, then as we grow older of a partner or spouse judgement, of a collegues judgement, of our child's judgement......Its almost like we've forever enslaved ourselves to other peoples opinions. We react as other people respond to us. The moment someone says something pleasant about us, we are on the 7th heaven, and the next moment someone dissaproves of us we fall face flat on the ground! It's like we view ourselves from other people's eyes....a very sorry state.
I think for me the person in my life who really effects me on this respect is my mother. She often makes judgements about many things I say or do or believe in. "You live in your own world, away from reality", "You're always thinking about other people's life, think about your own sometime"....these beliefs of my mother have driven me crazy over and over again. I would always feel like there was something inadequate of wanting to do things a different way... believing in things others considered stupid or impossible, or making friends with souls she considered harmful to me, but I wanted to be with so that I could understand better what made them the way they were.
If my room wasn't clean, and I was lost in my music, unwilling to talk to anyone for my time.....there she was, with that judgement of me and the way i lead my life. I think somewhere that made me very angry and very rebellious as an adoloscent and teenager. We shared a love hate relationship most of our life, and sometimes I feel we still do...though I've mellowed down i feel which has made things slightly different. But even a few years ago...we would get into arguments over such things as me spending time solving my friends problems, or me not being able to be happy on my own and always rushing to spend time with other people, or me totally short attention spanned, easily getting bored and looking for something new. For me, in her eyes i was a lost case....but she was also the one who knew me the best and who I loved more than anyone in the world. It was probably why anything she said hurt me so deeply.....
Infact going back to what i said earlier....judgements....why is it that we worry so much what other people think of us?? It's like this constant dialogue that keeps going on in this head of ours....why does he think so about me? In response we find ourselves thinking...so what if someone thinks that way, it doesnt matter, you know the reality, you know what you are. One part of us knows other peoples judgements hold no value, it is us who knows the truth, yet it effects us somewhere. Could it be because we are in search of ourselves, we want to so desperately know what "this" is....and somewhere we intellectually know that "this" is perfect. Yet, with no understanding of it we unconciously respond to other people's judgements of what "this" is. We may not take everyone as seriously, but we usually tend to take two peoples judgements seriously...one who don't know us at all, and the other who know us too well. Maybe its because the first type are completely objective in their view, and the second type because they are completely subjective!
If we look at it, its the fear of judgements that makes us do alot of things in our life we may have never wanted to. The need to please others grows from the need to keep away negative judgements about us. As a child, its the fear of peer and family judgements, then as we grow older of a partner or spouse judgement, of a collegues judgement, of our child's judgement......Its almost like we've forever enslaved ourselves to other peoples opinions. We react as other people respond to us. The moment someone says something pleasant about us, we are on the 7th heaven, and the next moment someone dissaproves of us we fall face flat on the ground! It's like we view ourselves from other people's eyes....a very sorry state.
I think for me the person in my life who really effects me on this respect is my mother. She often makes judgements about many things I say or do or believe in. "You live in your own world, away from reality", "You're always thinking about other people's life, think about your own sometime"....these beliefs of my mother have driven me crazy over and over again. I would always feel like there was something inadequate of wanting to do things a different way... believing in things others considered stupid or impossible, or making friends with souls she considered harmful to me, but I wanted to be with so that I could understand better what made them the way they were.
If my room wasn't clean, and I was lost in my music, unwilling to talk to anyone for my time.....there she was, with that judgement of me and the way i lead my life. I think somewhere that made me very angry and very rebellious as an adoloscent and teenager. We shared a love hate relationship most of our life, and sometimes I feel we still do...though I've mellowed down i feel which has made things slightly different. But even a few years ago...we would get into arguments over such things as me spending time solving my friends problems, or me not being able to be happy on my own and always rushing to spend time with other people, or me totally short attention spanned, easily getting bored and looking for something new. For me, in her eyes i was a lost case....but she was also the one who knew me the best and who I loved more than anyone in the world. It was probably why anything she said hurt me so deeply.....
2 comments:
Lubs, i'm glad you listened to ur frnd on blogging....gr8 start, rock on :)
Hey yeah rock on dude! I can already see that your blog has potential to be very interesting. :)
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