Movin along to a calling.....

I sit here staring at the blank blog page today....waiting to be decorated, to be put to life, to be filled with the energy of words. But then i wonder why am i feeling so blank........why are those words not spilling out from beyond me, why are those ideas not blossoming into flowers, why are those thoughts decieving me when i want them most. As I sit, I hear music in the background....it changes my mood every now and then. I hear this song "Har pal yahan jee bhar jeeyo, fir ye sama Kal Ho na Ho", which means - live each day to the fullest, for this time may or may not exist tomorrow. Hearing this playing in the background and I just float into another world. I start thinking about where my life is heading right now. What is going on? I have recently decided to go to the ashram for a few months. This is not a conventional ashram but one with the latest technologies and well put together, but an ashram since alot of people are on a different path in their life.
Alot of people have displayed their own forms of shock at this decision - some a more surprised shock, others a more "after that what" shock, others a "wow thats awesome" shock, others a "lets talk about something else now" shock. I'm not even sure where the courage in me to go there is coming from. Even upto 5-6 months ago, just thinking of going there for more than a week gave me jitters. I was so resistant to the entire idea that I got paranoid just thinking about it. But something has changed in the past few months......I am more excited by the thought of experiencing something new, I am thrilled by the idea of going and testing myself to the limits.......doing something so non conventional that I break my own beliefs about myself and others. But then sometimes this fear comes, fear of becoming lost. What will happen if im there for 2 months and become totally lost with my life? But I also believe that when you are being driven to do something, you must do it, even if it goes against everything you understand and thought you would ever do.....why is this pull so strong? why is something tugging at every cell and atom in my body? what is it that I am supposed to do?

A calling

What is it in me that tugs at me all the time?
Why is it that I am at the unease of committing a crime?
What is it that I long for? What is it that calls my name?
Why is it so difficult for me my mind to tame?

One part of me wants to go and see what its about,
The other terrified, hides away in a corner.
I want to sing, I want to be free,
But I know its only temporary till I find that me.

I look around, and my mind compares,
How did she do it so easily, how does he have the dares!
He is so unintelligent to me, another so very completely insane,
Maybe it’s easy for people to follow who hardly have a brain!

But inside of me I know all comparisons just a sly trick,
This journey about no one except me and me alone.
For in this journey the me is to be broken,
Words of wisdom are to remain unspoken.

If I go it will be for no guru, it will be for no other,
It will be an experiment on me that I shall perform.
He can help me as I embark on the realization,

A guide who has been there, on this journey through creation