Compulsions of the mind.....

“I will never let another person in my life get close enough to hurt me”….so many times I’ve promised myself this, and each time become vulnerable once again. Every time there has been a broken friendship or something more….I made this promise to myself. So much hurt it has caused over and over and over again. And then again I wonder…so why is it that I each time open myself up again and let myself become vulnerable all over again? Why don’t I learn from my previous experiences? And I find myself thinking….that maybe I don’t want to learn to not love, that’s why. It’s because of the joy that comes in being vulnerable and being open. It gives the most boundless joy…because it’s the free flowing energy of love that flows through you when you let another in. When you let situations or people in, irrespective of any preconditions or future binds, but at the moment you enjoy their presence or company. It’s only the compulsion of expectations and attachments that when tagged on to it, that it gives us grief. That’s why they call it falling in love, because you must give up a part of yourself to love another….the “you” in you must fall to open up space for another…..
I realize that I never want to close myself off from this possibility of being vulnerable….all I need to do is stop expecting anything in return. For love is my choice to give…..but getting that love in return is not in my hands…..but I believe when you throw love out without expecting anything in return, that’s when the universe showers you with love from everywhere….because people can’t help falling in love with you.

A poem I wrote a few months ago….

Compulsions of the mind

I am feeling unease, I am feeling restless,
I want someone to get me out of this mess.
It’s the mess one gets one own self into,
And has no control over what one is to do.

Its an infatuation, a binding that happens,
You feel compulsively tied to someone and cant let go.
You crave to talk, you crave to be near,
You get agitated when from them you do not hear.

You know you are being unreasonable, you know this is not right,
You want to let go so desperately and feel sorry for your own plight.
But helpless and bound you find yourself to be,
When from the clutches of another person yourself you cannot free.

Is it attachment? Is it bondage? What is it you ask yourself?
With a feeling of utter pain you find yourself engulfed.
You want the feeling reciprocated, you want the compulsive bind,
But in the whole compulsion, happiness is hard to find.

Is this love you ask yourself, or is this a need to feel desired,
This is not what I had asked for, I find myself so tired.
So tired of thinking, so tired of making sense of it,
Digging myself a deeper and deeper pit.

I just want to be free of this bond, this compulsion that has taken over me,
I cannot take it anymore, it is not letting me just be.
I am tied in a knot, want to be released from this misery,
This misery that has taken over me.