'Good and bad divide oneself'

It’s almost like walking around with something else walking along with you. You can do what you want, be what you want, act all you want………but there is something very subtle watching all the time. That something is bringing tremendous freedom.
I always used to look at perfecting myself as a human being……..at some level it was so strong the need to perfect myself, to overcome my limitations and grow that I had almost grown very very dry, I now realize…shut myself in….living with a half constipated smile on my face.
At some level I had not really overcome my needs and desires, and yet the need to perfect myself had made me ensure that I termed these needs, these desires as ‘inappropriate’, ‘unnecessary’, ‘not good’, ‘low’ and was a very ‘good’ and ‘proper’ person in this world in my eyes. And now I see how so many of my acts were always ‘good’, ‘moral’, ‘correct’…..and the more of those I became, the more away from life I became….the more I was not living life but ensuring that I stood upto what I considered being a spiritual and righteous person ‘on the path’ in this world. Doing for those in need, teaching, welfare for society, volunteering to become more divine in nature and less human, eating proper proper food, all kinds of things to ensure that the label of being a very very ‘good’ person stuck onto me. As I got involved with yoga and meditation, this became even stronger….this need to do good and be good and become perfect as a human being. It grew strong and I became more and more frusterated internally.
The frusteration of ‘following the righteous path’ became so strong that I couldn’t understand why all these people who would do what they liked and eat what they liked and speak as they liked seemed so much happier than me who was nothing but miserable from within. Initially I declared within myself that these people were ‘unfit’ for spirituality, for the higher realms of life as I was so much more disciplined and regimental than they were, as I had done many more ‘good deeds’ in the world than they had. I knew that I was following the right route, of conscious self deprivation…….the only problem was why were they so happy and me so miserable?
I think it is only when I stayed at the ashram for three months this year………was part of an enormous process where the devi temple was consecrated and then spent time with the rejuvenation centre at the ashram that I started letting go of some of these ‘morals’ that I held in my head. A few times I said and did things that I thought were so right and proper, because they were completely following the ways of society, the rights and wrongs that are imbibed within us……..and that’s when a swami I greatly respect at the ashram said to me………’you and your stupid morals’, after which he said something I would have completely tabooed my mind to. That however, opened up a great window for me when I started looking at it more closely. It was true………so much of me was made of morals though I never realized it. I was never taught morals or never read any spiritual teachings, but these morals were all societies dustbin……how to be, how not to be, what to say, what to think of yourself of others, it was almost as though everything was unconsciously registered as a moral…as this is the ‘right’ way to do something. Slowly as these ‘ideas’, these ‘morals’ started to break, I felt fear, tremendous fear….how could I live without knowing what was right and what was wrong?....But as I silently watched them they brought tremendous freedom.
It felt like after centuries when I listened to something within again………I gave myself freedom to just be………I gave myself freedom to indulge, to involve itself…….being conscious, watching the whole time……….it brought a new way to my life, to the way I did things, to the way I viewed people, to the way people viewed me. I found I was making friends, talking with people I would have earlier considered completely morally inadequate. I was doing things I loved without constantly being guilty about it not being ‘socially worthy service’ or the noble way to liberation. I was eating food and enjoying places I would have otherwise discarded as ‘not good’. For the first time I started to truly experience a happiness within myself……….when I did what I liked, what I loved…….It is still an imposition sometimes from people around…..’good/not good’……..but I find myself more conscious of it…….more willing to see that in this existence there is no such thing as good and bad……….understanding my guru, Sadguru’s words…….’good and bad divide the world’. Really, in my experience they do……….they divide oneself…….