I always used to wonder why when people talked endlessly, stood in the limelight, part of me wanted to be that way, yet another part knew it could never find peace there. And then I changed myself to become all that.....I became loud, and tried to be funny and tried to make my own special place.....wanted to be known as "different" by people. I got all that....and thats when it was so useless, so not what I wanted. It was all snatched away from me, and I became lower than i ever had. Without the crutch of "self confidence", which comes straight from the ego, i was left handicapped, stuck in a world where people were always trying to prove their point, tell you how you were one notch less compared to them in some way or the other. I kept taking it in, knowing that I wasn't, but being unable to use my crutch as a means to prove myself a little better than them. Finally, it came head on...this feeling of inadequacy, not beign good enough, being less than others. It became such a dominating factor, that i felt i would burst. Why was i feeling this way when i knew that was not true?

And today i find something in me coming to terms with this feeling....it feels almost like lifetimes since I've been able to breathe again without the constant need of approval from others, finally being able to feel, let myself open without being worried about being hurt. Today i realized the power is within me, that source of everything is inside, that silence that we call god is within, then why do i look to others for strength, for approval, for acceptance. In my gentleness people see weakness, in my compassion people see pity, in my sensitivity people see someone who cannot do anything. I realize there is no need to demonstrate that which lies within to the world, no need to close them out, no need to do anything. Let them be, and let me be......and in letting myself just be, I find myself become lighter again........I'm coming back home to myself again.