I sit here and think do I need to blog anymore....and i think maybe I can just stop all together. I don't have much to say anyways, and now saying has such little meaning left in my life that talking seems all but a waste of time. But I do want to share my experiences, take to others what I have experienced and not loose hope that they too will embark on a journey where one wonder leads to another, until the doors of self understanding open up.

I know I have a tendency to write on the dreamy side. I think and speak very rationally, but when it comes to penning down my thoughts, i suddenly turn highly poetic! But I've decided to try to start writing more rationally too...people otherwise tend to think what you're saying is alot of frills and fancy, it sounds very beautiful, but they just discard it as idealistic. For most people seem to have taken on the attitude that anything thats hard and difficult and mundane is real, but anything beyond understanding, beautiful beyond measure is only a dream, a fantasy.

Well its been about 5 months here I would say. I came here in September last year, and with about a month or more away in between, I've spent most of my time here. I won't say its been easy at all, its been probably the hardest thing I've ever done. First I have a major allergy towards the so called "spiritual people" of the world, and on top of that living with all of them under one roof in an "ashram" was the most incomprehensible thing I could ever think of. I won't say there haven't been days, and maybe more to come where I'm at wits end with this place. All I can do is think of leaving, and all the plans I can formulate for once I get back to the city. I also can't say its easy for me to live here....there are actually 5 rats that have been foudn in the room I'm living in! + lizards all around is an everyday phenomenan, you cant walk alone too late in the night for snakes lie all around.....some of my biggest phobias hitting me in the face day in and day out. On top of that, I've worked here where people are coming from all kinds of backgrounds. Having grown up in an intellectual family, always making friends that have more of an intellectual bent, when I first started working here I thought I was going brain dead. If you started to explain logically why something should be done a certain way, it was as though you were talking to a dead wall! They just wouldn't get it! Ofcourse there were those few that I could talk to that still kept me going at that time. But the beauty of it was that I slowly lost the compulsiveness in me towards logic, towards doing things in a certain way, for things to be in a certain way. It was as though things struck me in the head so severely for the first time, and in this environment where the awareness and energy are so high that you can feel it in every pulse, for the first time it didn't matter anymore. And this didnt matter anymore was not in a "who gives a damn" way, it was more that I just could see things the way they were without my little judgements and ideas creeping into everything. If I define it, it sounds petty to me, for the feeling is something I have never experienced and feel blessed to get a glimpse of it every now and then .... a glimpse of the complete freedom that we are. This complete freedom is illogical, irrational and sometimes when my mind wants to make sense of what it is that makes me feel so alright, so like things are perfect just the way they are....the mind can't make any sense of it. Because till a point things were making sense and I could logically say this happened and so now i feel this, but in the past day I've felt something that makes no, absolutely no sense. It is those few glimpses of how it feels to just be, simply be.....and that is all I want, nothing else.