Today I feel plain and simple selfish, self - centred almost. Yesterday I got my two lower molars removed cause they had gotten really infected. The pain that followed was seriously intense. I also had a bad cough, tonsils and my lymph nodes were swollen, so whenever I coughed I felt like my head was going to explode into a thousand pieces! I was pretty cranky, irritable, whiny and had no energy to do anything but lay down. And my dad was there with me through it all....not saying anything to me for all that i said, just being there for me, just helping me in whatever way he could. And there I was demanding, cribbing about my pain. But he ceaselessly, selflessly just kept doing all he could to ensure I was comfortable.
It was somewhere between all this that i realized how in my life, being the youngest, I'd never really offered myself so fully to another person. I feel others pains, I empathize, I want to be there. But I realize how many limitations I carry through them all. All of a sudden it struck me how a mother gives to her child without wanting anything in return. He cries, throws tantrums, gets upset....but shes there, all she has eyes for is the well being of the child. How beautiful that is, to give without expecting anything in return. How beautiful it is to just love. I'm wondering somewhere if I have missed just loving, just offering myself to another person completely.