First of all...happy new year! Havin said that...this year i probably rang in the new year in a way different than I had ever imagined in my entire life. And believe it or not it was the best way I've ever rung it in!!!! I spent it with my eyes closed in the shrine in the Isha Ashram. And it was one of the most beautiful times. It was so different from the way I always used to celebrate it...with the new year parties or sometimes even just watching tv. It was a beautiful time for inner celebration.....without the desperation for external stimuli.

Well its definately been a while since I've jotted down some stuff on my blog. I guess the past month or so has been indescribable in terms of words....i fell short of words, i fell short of thoughts. Alot went wrong in that month....but alot went right too. Things I never knew about myself came bubbling to the surface for me to face, for me to come to terms with. I probably had to deal with people I would under normal circumstances of life keep completely out of my life. People who were narrow, blocked, closed to new ideas, learning. People who would constantly belittle everything I valued in myself, people who I had to listen to because they held a greater position of authority than me....and in order to hold my commitment, i would listen to them no matter what it took for me. In the midst of all this I fell sicker than i have in my whole entire life. And left alone to deal with it and the closest doctor 40 kms away....going back and forth everyday, eating more medicines, getting injections day in and day out, loosing that glow on my face that I always prided myself for, loosing for the first time that zest for life.........somewhere between it all I broke. I tore apart in a way that I wanted to give up so badly. I just wanted to break and fall apart and never get up. I was questioning each ability of mine, i was wondering if i had any talent in me, i lost all confidence in myself and i started turning into a nobody. There were days I was walking around like a ghost...pale, my face down, expressionless. People who knew me to be a cheerful, happy person would look at me and look away for fear that i was going through a depression and didn't want to intrude in any way. Others looked at me and said I had become dull and lifeless. And the truth was I had. I felt really lost, really helpless. And from that something happened........I'm still not fully aware of it, but I know this distinct change I feel in myself. It's a kind of freedom from things. It's like I don't have to hold on to my confidence or my abilities or my talents. Because that's not what makes me who I am. It's like even being nothing I am so free, so happy. It's hard to fully define it yet, because i think i havent understood it yet either. But there is a bud somewhere that I see has begun to bloom.....i need to nurture it, water it and give it time.............it might just be the beginning of something I've never known..............