In Isha again........

Today has been a very emotionally draining day. It's one of those days where my mind won't give me any moments of rest.......where it is constantly pounding me with questions and thoughts........"why are you doing this to yourself?","what were you thinking taking something like this on?", "How are you going to stay here for one year.....it's not possible, leave, leave, run as fast as you can", "tell them it was one big mistake and this is not for you.". And as much as I try these thoughts are engulfing me....it's like they've trapped me and no matter how much I struggle they are not letting go of me right now.

Last time I had landed in the Isha ashram at Coimbatore I had felt the bliss of being part of the natural beauty that surrounded this area and the rawness that could be felt. Today on my way to the ashram, I couldn't see any of that........all that I was bound with were these thoughts. Every mile closer to the ashram that we would move, I wanted to run back to the airport and catch the first flight to Delhi. When I reached the ashram nothing went right either. I was given a room I didn't want to stay in, things were too quiet for my liking and I couldnt help wondering how exactly three weeks ago this place had seemed so perfect to me. Today it was far from perfect.........it felt more like prison to me. Maybe because I was prisoned in my own mind...............

The evening has brought with it some relief. During dinner I met some of the people I am going to be working with in the school. I shared with them some of my fears, insecurities and feelings of how I had no idea what I was getting myself into. The openness with which they responded to me brought in me the realization, that it was this openness that keeps pulling me back. It is the people here who just look at life as it is, without the mind games we play........the humbleness with which they talk, the compassion with which they understand how you feel, the courage they give you to keep following your heart, the passion that drips out of each word they utter, each action they involve themeslves in, the calmness with which they carry their own selves.........when I see these people...........I realize why I am here............