a feeling in hindi

Abhi tak woh zinda hai,
Jal kar raakh nahi bane hai.
Abhi tak woh zinda hai,
Us dastaan ki khushbi ne unko chua nahi hai.
Abhi tak woh zinda hai,
Bina mude, bina jhuke, bina khoye chale jaa rahe hai apni manzil pur,
Abhi tak woh zinda hain,
Girkar khude hone ki umang nahi jaagi hai.
Abhi tak woh zinda hain,
Kaise zinda hain,
Kaise nahi khoye hain,
Kaise usi manzil ke tukhe chale jaa rahe hai,
Jab jannat khud se mar kar hee mil paye...........

As the new year descends........

As the year ends, as the new year descends I wonder is it simply a change of date and numerals, or is it something more. It isn’t really anything more than that i realize, not a real shift in anything existential, but in the psychological realm of life it leads to a shift within if thought about. A new year....bringing forth a sense of a new beginning, bringing forth the freshness of a new day, the sense that we can start all over again, that we can turn our follies into our friends, that there is a light at the end of a tunnel, something to move towards....a tomorrow.

As i sit with this feeling of a new year coming in............all i feel is a silence.............a silence that has taken much pain, much aloneness, much struggle to come to..........a silence where no mine or me exists, no sense of accomplishment or ‘i did it’ exists............a silence that comes with being in tune with something far bigger than which i can understand. A silence that descending into seems the most sensible, the most beautiful thing to do..........a silence that i urge to fill my whole life with. A silence that does not deaden, but a silence that is alive like the beautiful smell of mud after a heavy rainfall. A silence that builds a path, a silence that wills you in its own direction................a silence so overpowering and yet so invisible.

As i sit moving slowly towards the coming year.......i become more and more silent..............as though the eternal clock were ticking another chapter over, as though another era, another countless hours of sweat and toil were coming to an end for many and just beginning for many more, as though a new dawn were coming through..........as though a new consciousness were filling this planet...........and it was time to awaken..........time to awaken from the slumber we were comfortably tucked away in..............
This new year another call in that direction....another longing to deepen the space within........

I watch, I stop, and then i look again..........
Theyre moving, theyre looking,
Theyre searching.......
In the diamond necklace,
In the cinnamon bun,
In the sari she just bought.......
They are searching for the same thing I search for.......
They seek too,
They look too........
I struggle,
They struggle too..........
I watch them,
They watch me too..........
And yet that that watches me..........
Do they watch that too?
The same game, a different name.........
A 100% involved....but life cannot leave a scratch on you...........
How to get there........
How to become the watcher............
How to play the game,
Involved, a 100% involved but untouched...........

Last night was the most restless night I've ever had in my life. I didn't sleep a wink the whole night. I've been a case of a severely incorrectly put implant, followed by infections in my teeth and sinus for the last 4 years. Now they say its an infection in the bone and the dentist has punctured my gums at way too many places leaving me to nurse a severely swollen cheek.
I don't really like to talk about it because its too much for my own mind to handle really....but yesterday night I felt the pain moving rapidly from my swollen upper teeth region to the jaws towards my ears and down my neck and up my head and face. My ear, neck and head were becoming numb and I had this feeling of dread and despair set into my heart. I experienced immense fear within me, immense lack of faith and just a huge huge feeling of stress, strain and immeasurable fear within me. All the light I had been experiencing within myself, the settling feeling within myself that I was experiencing was overpowered by the immense fear I began to feel. My mind started to race beyond my grasp with all kind of ideas - could it be the infection travelling into the brain and heart, am I going to die..........the fear of death lunged over me like a dark dreary shadow that none of my beautiful poetic thoughts or the love that I believed I had brought into my heart could take away.
I sat to meditate in the wee hours of the night............just silent, just still.......there were a few moments I allowed myself to be, but the tension within me, the fear in my mind were too overpowering, too stressing.......made me too restless to sit. I was scared..........scared of my death..........scared of my death to such an extent that all faith, all love, all compassion, all beauty died. All the beauty that I had begun to see life with, that I believed I had finally found my path towards devotion just cracked and fell on the floor....I felt a huge, bludgenous hole in my devotion, a huge hole in my trust, in my faith.
It scared me.............it scared me at how alone I was, at how miserably scared I was..............at how my faith was so shallow, so hollow that fear of pain, fear of suffering, fear of death immediately made me so vulnerable to myself. It scared me that even those which I held in the highest of reverence, I could not feel their grace because of a darkness enveloping me. All the feelings within me of love and devotion just seemed to evaporated into thin air. I felt like an utter utter fool........................so much talk with the heart, of the heart, of love, of so much yearning and longing...........yet when death came face to face with me in the night............I was alone.....................I was miserably alone.......................
Today I feel miserably lost.............all this love, all this beauty that I was feeling..................what was it? Was it so fickle that when the moment came they just evaporated?
The only and only thing I experienced during this whole period was a certain stability on a level different from the mind. Through the fear, through the sitting up all night, through the pain, through the uncertainity.........something was there which kept me stable compared to ever before...........it was almost as though there was a distance, an every so slight distance, a space of fresh air between the despair, the dread and that something within me.
All this love and devotion seems like such a farce to me right now.....................that I will be in such love that i would be willing to happily die. That is not a truth for me.........the only truth for me I realize right now is that I must work to create that energy around me in such a way that what is happening does not touch me...............the fear, the stress, the tension may be there but I remain untouched................I experienced a small aspect of that today.................but it was not some huge faith in anyone that kept me stable as I always thought in my mind............during the fear if I told my mind to think of that which I hold in reverence, even that did not help at all....................it was the energy around that I experienced taking me through..........it was a surrender to the energy that gave me those moments of peace within..............There was no love in it......simply an intensity......................devoid of anyone or anything..........

The mind is more unsettled than ever before....for its ideas of devotion now make no sense at all. A restlessness and yet a feeling of being more straight enters.....I realize this mind will never know........

I ask where I am going….
A silence responds
I ask what I am doing….
A vast emptiness I feel
I ask what is to become of me….
A smile of ease touches my lips
How have I come here?
How has this happened to me?
I find myself being set free.

Till yesterday could not let go,
Felt misunderstood, my worth unproved,
To find that which I stood out at my only mission and goal….
Three months..the first flower starting to blossom…
A new door being sent my way..
A new call, a new direction which I never anticipated….

I resist to open it, for no sense to me does it make,
Ridiculous, senseless, ‘not for me’ I find myself saying….
Yet something within longing to open that door now….
Something within more ready than ever before..
Should I wait? Am I not ready?
Many questions come my way….
But in the silence, when those questions fade….
I know that in opening that door I am following the voice of my heart.

I had forgotten….
But He came searching……..
He knew………

Complacent in myself I had started to become,
He came and created chaos in my order once again,
He knew………

Feeling better, moving towards what I wanted,
Broke the illusions of where I was going, left me stranded again,
He knew……

Okay I was here, creating a niche for myself began to settle down,
Turned everything over again, made me search again,
He knew………….

Had grasped it in my hands, had a grip over myself I had begun to feel,
All was lost as he came and blew the floor from beneath my feet…..
He knew…………..

Seeking less, more comfortable I had started feeling…….
Uncomfortable he left me feeling again…..
He knew……….

Shades of a woman....

A composition I just completed yesterday.........

Dance my dearest companion,
Left me last year with an injury the body could not sustain,
Tried I did so hard to hold on....but had to let go with endless pain.
Something within longing to find expression,
Art I did befriend....
Dance to it did my fingers, to its ways I found my heart lend.
Dance oh dance on paper,
Dance oh dance within,
Burning, burning....what is the way?
What is the way to the edge of night and day?